Next time on FF Monsters: Behind the Summon
Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/ultima4resized.jpg R^2: He comes out of the big quadruped... thing?
Roger: Only in the toy form.
Roger: Who knows why. Maybe he was intended to.
R^2: Hence the confusion. I don't seem to remember him doing that in the game.
Roger: One of those "it was too much trouble to render" things.
Roger: I can imagine fighting him as a bipedal version as a weaker boss, or maybe when you damaged him enough they wanted his lower body to explode like most of Greiver/Ultimecia did in that one fight.
Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/ultima5resized.jpg R^2: Gah, I can just imagine Ultima Weapon as a two-part battle.
Roger: Hehe.
R^2: That's the homicidal critter I remember.
Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/DSCF0009.jpg Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/DSCF0014.jpg Check out all his mold detailing majesty.
R^2: Wow, they even got muscle striation on there.
Roger: I know. It's amazing what the toy shows the game designers really wanted to do.
Roger: He's so organic in plastic, and smooth in 3d
Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/DSCF0011.jpg R^2: Rar
R^2: bitebitebite
R^2: Interesting that, other than the tusks, his teeth are generally flat. Like he's a herbivore.
Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/DSCF0012.jpg It can bite.
Roger: My guess is half safetey reason, half molding issue. All his points seem rounded in the end.
R^2: Perhaps. But for being a big scary monster, it looks like he'd have to chew thoughtfully for several minutes to eat anybody.
R^2: But then, I tend to put too much thought into these things.
Roger: Let me find my copy of the original render.
R^2: Hell, the last D&D adventure I ran had the characters addressing the ecological issues of having several oversized predators in a given stretch of mountain range.
Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/UltimaWeapon.jpg R^2: Now see, that's a monster mouth. Looks like it could swallow somebody in big chunks.
Roger: If it wasn't for safety reasons(this toy DOES have a chomping jaw),
I think it was just to call attention to the whole beast, and not HE HAS A TWO HEADS as the selling point.
Roger: 'cause after all, that's what I thought after seeing the big guy after FF7. And I stand by the fact that his FF8 design was his best.
R^2: Of course, a creature that big living in such a secluded area would have to be largely magivorious, so it's doubtful it eats much of anything at
all.
Roger: Mayhaps it lives in symbiosis with the larger, lower half.
Roger:
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a314/blot_terrorcon/DSCF0022.jpg Close study of the "human" head reveals lack of any identifable orifices.
R^2: Perhaps the lower half eats anything, including inorganic matter, and processes most of it, and then the top half leeches energy out of the bottom
half like a fungus or lichen.
R^2: In return, the top half helps the bottom half kill its prey with its sword and spells.
Roger: Indeed. And the fact that can use a hand tool shows how much the advantage of an opposable thumb has given it.
Roger: What if we're not staring into a monster, but our own past? Maybe even our future?
Roger: A straggler from another time and place, lost and defending itself. And then you just go and slaughter it for a magic your puny human mind cannot
begin to fathom.
R^2: Maybe the bottom half is a female of the species, and the top half is the male, and they're working together as a couple to feed a brood of little Weaponlings.
R^2: It has the fourth Garden, though. Would it if it was from another dimension or anything?
Roger: A bold theory, but the linked body systems(that appear to be explosive, no less) might leave that debate up in the air.
R^2: It being a single creature certainly explains a lot. If I were stuck in a pit at the bottom of a quarry underneath the ocean below a facility that's
been abandoned for years and guarded by Bahamut, I'd be pretty irritable, too.
R^2: Poor guy probably hasn't had any Weapon-poon for aeons.
R^2: lol Ultima Wea-poon
Roger: That Bahamut is such a dick.
R^2: Oh, totally.
Roger: I bet Ultima was down in that whole for a while, calling up to him. "Yo man, toss me some rope or something, those stairs look kinda shakey and
small". And Bahamut would just laugh and go. "No way man, I'm waiting someone so I can look all majestic and cool. Here, I uh, got you dinner." And he proceeds to toss some large bovine or dragon down there to "help", leaving our good friend Ultima just scratching his head and going "What the fuck, man. You're doing this on purpose."
R^2: "If I ever climb out of here, you're totally borked, you fat dragon fuck. You're not even immune to Blind status. What are you going to do if three
kids come in here and blind you, eh?"
R^2: "Here, have a behemoth. I brought it back from Esthar. You remember Esthar, don't you? Nice place. Big city, too."
R^2: "I hate you, Bahamut."
Roger: Bahamut just chuckles to himself, content in the knowledge that his wings are larger and more majestic. That bastard.
R^2: "You're lucky I feed you at all, you ingrate. Ever since you slipped on that banana peel and fell into that hole, you've been bitching and whining
nonstop. Would you rather just eat the Iron Giants roaming around down there?"
R^2: "You know those play holy hell on your teeth."
Roger: "I don't even have teeth, you floating fuck."
R^2: "Oh, and here I got you a bottle of mouthwash while I was out. I guess dental hygeine is already a lost cause for you, eh Bubba?"
R^2: "It's an economy-sized drum, more than a bottle. I can smell your rotten halitosis all the way up here."
Roger: Poor guy. Took him two games to get out of that pit, and by time he's out he's found Bahamut's wearing a retarded flying wheel on his back like
it's "cool" and he's being redesigned by a monster designer who does to beasts what Amano does for humans.
Roger: I just sat there in FFX for a while, when I saw Ultima Weapon, thinking to myself. "What happened, man? You're a sub-boss to your lamer
pallette swap, with the ugliest design since Amano? You used to be cool." Then I give him a bit of Gil to help him pick up the pieces of his shattered life.
R^2: Where is Ultima Weapon in FFX? I don't think I ever saw him.
Roger: He's in the Omega Ruins.
R^2: Is he a monster ranch custom thing?
R^2: Oh, right.
Roger:
http://www.ffcompendium.com/EspMon/ultimaweapon10.jpg R^2: Yeah, I remember that now.
R^2: Laaaaaaaaame.
R^2: All the monster designs in FFX were kind of lackluster.
Roger: You can almost think it's a decent design. Until you see it in light.
Roger:
http://www.gameline.cz/figures/obrazky/ultima-weapon.jpg Then it's like "holy fuck what died"
R^2: Ultima Weapon's shame.
Roger: "I don't like it...these spikes just don't feel like...me." And then Tetsu Tsukamoto is flitting about like a faggot going "Oh no, girlfriend, spikes
are the new second head this season. And trust me, pink and white...TOTALLY your colors!"
R^2: And then Don Tonberry and King Cactuar just kind of avoid him at the next office party.
Roger: He really tries to get them to agree with him, but they're too polite to do that. It's mostly uncomfortable silence and hasty lies of "No way man! That redesign, totally uh...brings out your eyes!"
Roger: He can tell they're just being polite, leaving him to just think to himself "Christ, you pussies. I didn't lie about what my opinion on Don Tonberry's tatoos. Ye god, who does he think he is with those?"
R^2: Well, you know Don Tonberry is one to hold a grudge.
R^2: Everyone's Grudge.
Roger: It's hard to think how to talk to Ultima Weapon. He can be really bipolar when he's drunk. Sitting there, blindly swinging at the party in a stupor going "I don't have to take thish! I'm....fucking Ultima Weapon! The fucking toughesh boss in the game! I have boss fight music! Those other fucks can't gloat that...those bastardsh..."
Roger: You gotta ease him down. "Look, man. You're rock bottom. You're a random battle against three girls. AND LOSING. We need to get you some help."
R^2: "Three girlsh... they had... susch pretty dresses..."
Roger: I was so proud, when he came out of rehab and said he got a new gig as a huge sidequest boss in FFXI.
R^2: Oh? How did that turn out?
Roger: On the one hand, he was back to being the boss. Omega was cast as his sub-boss, but alas. Those damn fast talking monster designers. While Omega got lucky and got a stylized version of his FFV design...
Roger:
http://ffxi.allakhazam.com/images/mobs/Ultima.jpg Ultima got something more fitting of Deathgaze.
R^2: King Cactuar: "Oh, don't be like that. Giant flying brine shrimp are very scary. Yes, very scary."
Roger:
http://www3.big.or.jp/~wanpaku/FFXI/diary/images/20050223/2005022312.jpg Even he knows nobody's cowering to skeletal limbs. Nobody ever fears a skeleton.
Roger: But ya know what? He don't care. He's high on life, back in the
driver's seat. Day by day, step by step.
R^2: King Cactuar: "U-W, we need to talk, man."
Don Tonberry: "Yeah man. We think you have a drinking problem."
Ultima: "You're goddamn right I have a drinking problem! I'm out of fucking scotch!"
*Don ducks a thrown bottle*
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